Why I Left You

Today was the 4th time we visited your pre-school and the day I decided to leave you…. 


I had nightmares, panic attacks and anxiety worrying about the first time I would leave you. Would they look after you, would your needs be met, or would they be mean to you? Would they know that you need your bottle and blanket to use as a comfort if everything is too much? 


There was lots of planning before we decided to send you to pre-school. We were advised that pre-school would be great for your communication skills, motor skills etc and although I knew they were right my heart hurt. 

You have development delays and being assessed for Autism and I wanted to find a pre-school that we thought was right for you and us. After a visit to this pre-school, I knew it was the one, the work they do with children is special, I saw the passion. This pre-school also specializes in Autism, special needs and have great SENCO’s. 


We had meetings with the manager and staff and they got it, they wanted to know lots about you; what you like, what you don’t, and about mummy and daddy, what our fears were and how could they help. 


We went to the pre-school together and you didn’t want to leave my side, I was the only mum that stayed, we played in the garden and with the toys. The SENCO suggested that I leave you for an hour the next time, what!!!! I started to feel anxious and felt a little overwhelmed, she totally got it and we spoke about my feelings and why she felt it would be better for you. You can watch that day here: ’Nursery


Today we went back with daddy (he was off work as he’s sick) he was very calm and inside I felt like I was so scared, what if you cried it would kill me. I left daddy in the car and carried you into the nursery with your comforts and we met ‘L’ she greeted us with a smile and picked you up with your comforts and you went. I was in shock you were smiling and I said goodbye and gave you a kiss and you just went and played with ‘L’, my heart was so happy. To be honest, I didn’t think today would have been the day I left you but everything just fell into place, I waited outside and watched through the window, you looked so grown up. 

I came back an hour later after getting a coffee and there you were playing outside, you were touching the little girl's hand to show her you wanted the ball you couldn’t reach. The little girl was so lovely she followed you and got the ball, you were so so happy. I picked you up and held you tight you looked at me right in my eyes, Jacob you are my world. You didn’t want to leave, you moaned when we left ah! 

Daddy was so so happy to see you and so were you,  you even stopped to touch the grass – something you normally hate.


So today Jacob I left you not because I wanted to but because you needed me to, you were ready and I could see that. I am so happy I did….. 


I love you so much…

Mummy Xoxo