SOMETIMES IT'S SO HARD
Sometimes I don’t know how to feel, what to say or how to act.
Some days I want to scream and shout ‘Why my son?’ Why must he go through life with people judging him and treating him so different? I pause and stop myself before I even continue. I hate myself for thinking this, Why not my son? Why wouldn’t it be my beautiful son?
Most days I’m so strong, so positive and then something happens and I question myself, was it my fault?
What the hell am I saying, of course, it's not my fault but these thoughts enter my head.
I’ve always been a strong person I’ve had to be otherwise I wouldn’t have survived the life I've had. But no matter how strong you are at some point your mask will fall and your vulnerability may just peep through.
I've never asked for support, help or even advice. I always have the answer in my head its the only way I’ve survived.
When you’ve always been the strong one, the person who helps others with their problems it's so hard for you to reach out to others. I don’t want someone to tell me what to do but just someone to listen, maybe.
I understand that unless you have a child with special needs it's so hard for a person to understand, I get that. It just makes it harder to speak.
You can have a million great thoughts about Autism and then you can have just one negative thought and as a mother, you feel so so bad that this thought even came into your head.
Sometimes I love Autism; it's made my son the way he is, loving, funny, and just amazing. But sometimes I feel so sick, my chest gets tight and I feel like I cant breathe. I pour my heart out, not for me but for any pain Jacob suffers. Like the sensory overload Jacob had in Mothercare the other day that made him have a meltdown and had to be carried out into the car with his comforts.
I feel like I need to be honest and although it's killing me writing this I need to keep it real. Parenting a child with special needs somedays can be flipping hard!
I wouldn’t change anything about Jacob at all, he is amazing and is teaching me so much. No matter how hard it gets I am here right next to him. I will be here every step of the way.
God won’t give you anything you can’t handle.