I booked a Solo trip to Jamaica
Last month I decided to do something unexpected, something I’ve wanted to do for a long time but fear held me back.
I booked a solo trip to Jamaica.
I’ve never travelled solo before (ok once to Milan to meet my husband - and that was horrible for my anxiety) but this year is about pushing myself out of my comfort zone, something I’ve struggled with my whole life.
But why is this such a big deal?
Throughout the years of finding myself and healing from trauma one thing I still battle with that needs to change is the way I see myself as a parent. Being raised by a narcissist you think everything you do is wrong, nothing is ever good enough and this reflects on how you see yourself.
I remember being 19 with the most beautiful baby ever and feeling Love for the first time, real Love. I remember my mum telling me that I couldn’t love my baby daughter because she was delivered my c-section and I would never love her the way I did if I gave birth ‘naturally’. My heart sank was this a thing? is this true? What had I done? I was a failure, if the one person I trusted and thought had my best interest thought this then it must be right.
I cried so hard that day, looking at my beautiful perfect human being I made just not understanding. How could I not love her, I had loved her the moment I knew she was growing inside me. I knew the only time I felt love was having her, this was what Love was! I had never experienced love like this before, she was my world. I blanked out what my mum said and continued to love and cherish my baby girl, but with constant comparing myself to what a mum should be like. This stayed with me for years and years.
Without knowing it I became super independent, I was always this way but even more so after that conversation. I wanted to do it all by myself so no one could throw things in my face. Looking back it made me the person I am but also made me have a chip on my shoulder. I had everything to prove, I went to college, and then completed a degree in Social Work to better the life for my little princess. And no matter what I achieved it wasn’t good enough for my mum, I wanted her to be proud of me. But nothing.
Over the years I would miss out on opportunities for work, or lifestyle because I wanted my mum to say ‘you deserve that Stace, think about yourself for once’ but it never came. I would battle each day with my parenting style but I knew I wanted to raise my daughter different to how I was raised. I wanted her to have confidence, Love in her heart and feel secure, all the things I didn’t.
My mum would always say I was a bad mum if I went out to dinner with friends, or if Reika (my daughter) would stay with her dad for the weekend. I was a single teenage mum working my arse off to make a better life for my daughter. But when Reika did stay at her dads (she wouldn’t actually stay at her grandmas) I would actually feel so bad as a mum. But why! She was happy spending time with her dad and his mum. But because my mum would say things I felt worthless.
It’s crazy because during therapy I realised everything my mum thought was a reflection on how she felt about herself. My mum left us a lot growing up, my mum went on holidays with her friends and would lie and say she was going to buy me a bike and I wouldn’t see her for a week or two. And so much more.
The day I started realising this my life was changing, but still I felt bad if my husband and I would have a overnight stay at a hotel or the biggest one was New York for 4 nights there was days I would just cry and wish I never went. But when I checked it, why was I crying? My kids were having the best time with their grandparents who adore them. I was being selfish, it wasn’t healthy. I want my children to be happy and secure and not have my insecurities from my upbringing destroying their childhoods.
My husband doesn’t feel any guilt bless him, he has to go away for work and also goes on ski trips, he loves our children like crazy but he also knows it’s healthy to have time for himself and us too.
This brings me back to Jamaica, this year I’ve decided to start putting myself first sometimes. The last two and a half years has been life changing with Jacobs Autism, my depression and anxiety and I carried on being the best mum, wife and person I could be. My children are happy and my husband and to be honest me too. It’s time I stop feeling guilty for having time for myself. I have to leave behind what people think or more so what my own mother would say - she has no part in my life. She doesn’t have and will never have my best interest, which is very sad.
My mum has mental health that she feels isn’t there and blames everyone else. My mother is a narcissist and I will no longer let her control my emotions.
So instead of feeling like a bad mum for going for a week, I feel liberated but at the same time freaking out, I am going to miss my babies. It’s the longest time I've ever left them, but my husband is adored by them and as we work 50/50 in our marriage/home life their rountines will be the same and they will have the best time.
I wont lie anxiety is creeping, but I have to do this and I want to do this.
I also cannot wait to see my beautiful friend who lives out their and soak in the vitamin D that my body is craving so hard for. I can’t wait to hear my thoughts even louder, sort out my Heath issues and really focus on myself.
I know this trip will be life changing for me.