I struggle

I struggle with emotions, no that’s a lie! I struggle with my feelings when it involves my mum and family. 

I eat my emotions. 

I never knew this was a thing until I got diagnosed with an eating disorder last year. People always say how strong I am and positive even know I’ve been through so much shit. How much can one person take, but I don’t know any other way other than to survive. 

But am I? 

I would say I was until I realised that the damage was inside me, I was eating all of my emotions. I would be ok but only if I could eat what I want all day every day. Why is this I asked? 

During counselling I learnt that I had forgotten or tried to forget a lot of my childhood and my adolescent years. It wasn’t just my mum and family that affected me it was the abusive relationship I was in and the relationship I had with a man who battles addiction. And abusing myself with starting relationships with boys I didn’t care for but did so because I craved love. The more I didn’t care for them the more they liked me, what a head F*ck! 

Wow! Did I really have all this inside me, I thought this was normal for so long. Surely everyone’s life where I lived was like this. 

I eat my emotion’s, and it’s so shit! I’ve never been this big in my life, I need to face up to my demon’s it’s effecting my body and health. 

I get told all the time, that I’m disgusting for sharing parts of my life with you all from family members! 

I really want to share with you all my demons so you don’t feel alone! Even for just one person not to feel alone, but I’m not there yet. I still worry how I would make my mum and family look. Which shows I still have a way to go. 

Stacey xo